You're deep in the trenches of life with little kids and, if you're honest, things between you and your partner aren't great right now.

He's trying. You can see that. He asks what you need help with, he does the bath times, he encouraged you to have that afternoon out with your friends.

And yet there's still a distance between you. Maybe a low-level resentment that you can't quite put your finger on (and that maybe you can't even fully explain to yourself, let alone to him). If this sounds familiar, this blog post is for you.

Why "He's Doing His Best" Doesn't Always Make the Resentment Go Away

When you try to talk to your partner about how you're feeling, it often turns into an argument. He feels attacked and you feel unheard; nothing really gets resolved.

The thing is, what you're carrying probably isn't just frustration about who does more of the school runs or who is more tired this week. Those conversations are exhausting precisely because they're not really about the day-to-day parenting you're doing in the present.

Underneath this stuff, there's often something much older sitting there - something from the early days of becoming a mum that maybe never really got acknowledged.

The Early Days That You Can't Quite Let Go Of

Think back to those first weeks and months after your baby arrived.

YOU were the one who gave birth. YOU were the one who did the all-consuming, relentless version of early parenthood - the night feeds, the feeding challenges, the physical recovery, the huge identity shift that nobody really warned you about...

Maybe you were in survival mode and didn't even know what you needed at that time, let alone how to ask for it.

And your partner was probably trying his best too. He was probably physically present and wanted to help but he didn't live what you lived. He didn't experience what it felt like to be inside your body and your mind during that time.

And that's where the resentment can creep in; even when a partner is present, a new mum can feel profoundly unseen in her experience because the experiences are just so different.

When Your Partner Being "There" Doesn't Mean He Necessarily Understood What You Were Going Through

This is one of the things I hear most often from clients, and it can feel really confusing.

How can you feel so alone when he was right there?

How can you still be angry at someone who was trying to support you?

The answer is that being physically present is not the same as truly understanding another person's experience. The expectations placed on new mothers and new fathers in our society are wildly different, and that gap in experience can leave a lasting mark on a relationship, even when both people meant well.

There may be a really hurt part of you that didn't feel seen or held in the way you needed during that time. And that part is still there now, quietly influencing how you respond when he forgets the changing bag, or doesn't notice you're struggling.

The Unprocessed Past That Is Quietly Affecting Your Present

Does the distance between you now not make a lot more sense when you look at it through this lens?

When we're hurting and that hurt has never really been processed, it doesn't just disappear. It sits underneath the surface and it can colour everything; our tone, our patience, our willingness to give our partner the benefit of the doubt.

When this is going on, the changing bag isn't just the changing bag. It's the changing bag plus the sh*t show that was recovering from giving birth while looking after a newborn plus the weeks of feeding challenges you got through largely on your own (and all the other stuff).

There might be an invisible mountain of stuff that you're unconsciously carrying into the argument about the changing bag.

Why These Conversations Are So Hard to Have

Even when you know, logically, that you want to talk to your partner about this stuff, it can be incredibly hard to do.

When we're in pain and we feel like we're not being understood, it's natural to go on the defensive. Our nervous systems read the situation as a threat and we either shut down or come out fighting. Neither of those options is great for the kind of vulnerable, honest conversation that might actually help.

Your partner, for his part, might feel like he's being attacked for something that happened years ago that he can't change. He might not understand what you want from him and he might feel powerless because he can't 'fix' what happened.

He might not be able to give you the understanding and empathy you need to move on from this.

Which is why so many of my clients come to me first.

How Postnatal Counselling Can Help with Relationship Resentment

Working through this stuff in therapy first (before bringing it to your partner) can make an enormous difference.

In our sessions, you get to be completely honest about how hard things were without having to manage your partner's feelings or worrying about the conversation going sideways. There is space to be able to make sense of what happened and how it felt. Clients often find that being genuinely heard and validated in this way brings enormous relief in itself.

And for some clients, that's enough. They process the hurt, they understand it better, and they find they're able to let it go (or at least hold it more lightly) without needing a particular response from their partner.

For others, therapy becomes a stepping stone to having the conversation with their partner that they've been trying to have for years. Because they've done the internal work first, they can go into that conversation feeling clearer, calmer, and more able to say what they actually mean, which means their partner is much more able to hear it.

And for couples who are able to have those honest conversations, it can be a real turning point. A moment where something that has quietly divided them is finally out in the open.

You Don't Have to Feel Like This Forever

I know that you want to feel like you're on the same team as your partner again. You want the changing bag to be just the changing bag, not the thing that tips you over the edge because of everything it represents.

That is absolutely possible but it won't happen by pushing the feelings down further and hoping they go away on their own.

If you're ready to start putting the past to rest so that you can actually be present with your family, I'd love to help.

The first step is a free 20-minute call where we can have a chat about what you're going through and whether working together might be a good fit.

Head to the link below to book your free call — I'd love to hear from you.If you're still angry at your partner about the early days — even though he was there, even though he was trying — this post might explain why. And what to do about it.

[Book your free 20-minute call here]