Do you feel like a terrible mum every time you lose your temper with your kids? What if I told you that your anger - and how you handle it afterwards - could actually be one of the most powerful gifts you give your children?

Picture this: It's been one of THOSE mornings. You're already running late, there's something sticky on the sofa (again), your toddler absolutely WILL NOT put their shoes on, and you haven't had a proper cup of tea yet.

Then it happens.

You snap.

Your voice gets louder than you intended, maybe you slam a door, and instantly that familiar sinking feeling hits your stomach like a lead balloon.

Cue the shame spiral: "I'm such a terrible mother. What's wrong with me? I should be able to handle this better."

Sound familiar?

If you're nodding along thinking "yep, that's me," then you're definitely not alone. This is one of the most common things I hear from the deeply-feeling mums I work with in my counselling practice.

The Hidden Shame Behind Maternal Anger

Here's what I've noticed working with sensitive-souled mamas who struggle with keeping their cool: the shame you feel after getting angry with your children often has very little to do with what just happened in your kitchen and more to do with what happened in your childhood.

Stay with me here...

That intense shame reaction you have to your own anger? It's likely been skulking around in your unconscious since you were very little, and it probably falls into one of these categories:

You learned that YOUR anger wasn't acceptable

Maybe you were told to "calm down," or to "stop being so dramatic". Maybe it wasn't said in words but you learned that "good girls don't get angry". Perhaps your caregivers couldn't handle your big feelings, so you learned to stuff them down to keep everyone else comfortable.

OR you learned that other people's anger was terrifying

Maybe the adults around you had explosive anger and nobody ever came back to explain what happened or say sorry afterwards. You were left to make sense of those scary moments on your own, concluding that anger = danger and abandonment.

Either way, it makes complete sense that you'd have such a strong reaction to your own maternal anger now. That stuff is still online to some degree, even as a grown-up.

Unmet Needs

The other invisible thing often lurking behind maternal anger outbursts is that you are likely (invisibly) doing ALL THE THINGS for your family. You are running around like a scalded cat and getting your basic needs met is likely falling by the wayside.

I'm not talking self-care in the form of meditation and bubble baths here. I'm talking about the very, very basic things like going to the loo when you need to go, drinking enough water and having some alone time where your nervous system gets the chance to register that you are safe.

When our basic needs aren't being met, our ability to deal with the 100s of micro stresses a day that are part and parcel of raising tiny humans shrinks massively. Have you ever noticed how much more able you are to take minor annoyances in your stride when you've had some sleep?

That anger you feel might actually being your nervous system/ body's way of communicating that it has needs that need to be met NOW.

The Reframe That Changes Everything

But here's the thing that might completely flip your perspective on maternal anger...

Your children seeing you angry actually shows them that ALL emotions are acceptable.

I know, I know. This might feel controversial, especially if you've been brought up to believe that "good mothers" are always calm and nurturing.

But think about it: if your children only ever see you happy, patient, and in control, what message does that send them about their own difficult emotions?

The real magic happens in what you do next.

How Repair Becomes Your Superpower

The most powerful part isn't avoiding anger altogether (spoiler alert: that's impossible and not particularly healthy). It's what you do after the anger has passed that's important.

Can you come back to your children and say something like: "I'm sorry I shouted earlier. I was feeling really overwhelmed and I didn't handle it very well. You didn't deserve that."

This is how we rewrite our generational story, one repair at a time.

This is how we show our children that:

• Humans have all sorts of emotions, including anger
• We can take responsibility for our reactions
• Relationships can be repaired after things don't go to plan
• They are still loved, even when we get things wrong

What if your "failure" moments are actually fantastic teachable moments for your children?

Practical Steps for the Next Time Anger Strikes

Before the anger builds:

• Start noticing what's happening in your body when you feel irritation building
• Can you recognise your early warning signs before you reach breaking point?
• What do you need in that moment? (A glass of water? A few deep breaths? To step outside for 30 seconds?)

During the anger:

• It's okay to feel angry - anger often shows up when our boundaries are being crossed or our needs aren't being met
• If you do shout or react in a way that doesn't feel good, try not to compound it with harsh self-criticism in the moment

After the anger:

• Come back when you're calmer and repair with your children
• Keep it simple and age-appropriate: "Mummy felt very frustrated and I shouted. That wasn't okay. It wasn't about you."
• Notice that mean voice in your head and ask: what would I say to a good friend in this position?

The Ripple Effects of Conscious Parenting

When we learn to respond to our anger with self-compassion rather than shame, something beautiful happens. We model for our children that:

• All emotions are acceptable
• Repair is always possible
• Humans make mistakes and that's okay
• Love doesn't disappear when things get difficult

You're Already Breaking the Cycle

If you're reading this and recognising yourself, I want you to know something: the fact that you're even thinking about this stuff means you're already breaking transgenerational cycles.

Your awareness of these patterns, your desire to do things differently, your willingness to repair with your children - this is the ripple effect in action.

You don't have to be the perfect mum to be a great one.

Getting Support for Your Journey

If you're sick of that mean voice in your head telling you you're failing as a mother, if you want to understand why certain parenting moments trigger you so intensely, or if you're ready to develop a kinder relationship with ALL your emotions (even the messy ones), you don't have to figure this out alone.

In my counselling practice, I work with parents who are ready to break free from the cycle of shame and criticism that's been fuelling their anxiety and overwhelm. Together, we explore the roots of these patterns and develop practical tools for managing the day-to-day challenges of motherhood with more self-compassion.

Because here's what I know in my bones: when you learn to treat yourself with kindness, your children learn to do the same. When you model repair and emotional responsibility, you're giving them tools they'll carry for life.

That's the powerful ripple effect of healing your own wounds - the benefits will be felt for generations.