When your sensitivity meets their chill and you feel like you're SO angry all the time...
Picture this: The baby is FINALLY asleep and you're cleaning the kitchen because you can't relax when you know it's a total bomb site. Your partner has just walked in to see what you're doing in there and said "Why are you always doing so much? Just relax!"
If you're a sensitive-souled mama (who might have a leetle bit of perfectionist stuff going on...), this scenario probably feels painfully familiar. And if you're anything like my clients, hearing those words might make you want to throw a tea towel at their head.
Why You're Standing in a Hurricane While They're Experiencing a Mild Breeze
As a Highly Sensitive Person navigating new motherhood, comparing yourself to your less sensitive partner is like wondering why you're so frazzled when you're standing in a hurricane and they're only experiencing a mild breeze.
When they say things like:
- "It doesn't bother me when the toys are everywhere"
- "Just leave the dishes until tomorrow. I don't understand why you're so stressed"
- "Why can't you just switch off?"
You feel:
- Like you're broken
- That you're overreacting
- That your feelings aren't valid
- Completely misunderstood
Here's the thing that nobody tells you: You're not imagining things when the noise feels too loud or when the mess feels overwhelming.
Your Nervous System is Processing a Completely Different Reality
Being a sensitive-souled mama with perfectionist tendencies means you're processing a completely different reality to your partner. Your nervous system is literally taking in more information - it's like trying to drink from a fire hose while they've got a glass with a straw.
That pile of washing that your partner can completely ignore? Your brain is cataloguing it, along with that sticky stuff on the kitchen counter, the fact that you're running low on nappies, and the sound of next door's dog barking. Meanwhile, your partner genuinely doesn't notice half of these things.
This isn't because there's something wrong with you - it's because you're wired differently. Around 20% of the population are Highly Sensitive People, and we literally take in and process more sensory information than others.
The Comparison Trap is Feeding Your Inner Critic
Are you constantly comparing yourself to your partner and coming up short? That mean voice in your head probably tells you that if you could just be 'laid-back' like them, motherhood would be easier.
Here's what that voice hasn't twigged: you're not supposed to be just like your partner.
The comparison trap is feeding the part of you that feels like you're not 'enough' as a mum. But your children don't need you to be just like your partner - they need YOUR unique gifts.
Your sensitivity means you're incredibly attuned to your children's needs. Your perfectionist tendencies mean you research the best car seats and think carefully about nutrition. These aren't flaws - they're superpowers, even when they feel overwhelming. The whole family benefits from this stuff; it's just that it's a package deal and comes with some downsides too (like a tendency to feel more overwhelmed and anxious).
What This Means for Your Relationship
When you're constantly feeling overwhelmed and your partner seems to be sailing through parenthood without breaking a sweat, resentment can build up faster than toys in the living room.
You might find yourself thinking:
- "Why does everything fall to me?"
- "Don't they care that the house is a tip?"
- "I'm the only one who seems to worry about anything"
The truth is, they probably do care, but they genuinely don't feel the same level of urgency about these things that you do. This doesn't make either of you wrong - you're just wired differently.
How to Bridge the Gap
Communicate your needs clearly: Instead of expecting your partner to mind-read, try explaining what you need. "I know the mess doesn't bother you, but I feel really anxious when the kitchen is chaotic. Could we tidy up together before we sit down?"
Acknowledge your different styles: You don't need to become more like them, and they don't need to become more like you. There's room for both approaches in your family.
Create sensory-friendly spaces: If clutter makes you feel overwhelmed, designate one room/ part of a room as your calm space where things stay tidy.
Take breaks: Your nervous system needs more downtime than your partner's. This isn't weakness - it's biology.
You're Not Too Much
If you're feeling like you're 'too much' or 'too sensitive' or 'too anxious' as a mum, I want you to know that you're exactly what your children need.
The world needs sensitive mothers who notice when their child is overwhelmed at a party, who research thoroughly before making decisions, and who feel things deeply.
You're not broken. You're not overreacting. You're a sensitive-souled mama learning to parent in a world that often doesn't understand your needs and is set up for the less sensitive majority.
The key isn't becoming less sensitive - it's learning to work WITH your sensitivity instead of against it, and finding ways to communicate your needs to your partner without feeling like you're asking for too much.
Your children are lucky to have a mum who cares so deeply. Now it's time to extend some of that care and compassion to yourself.
If you're a sensitive, perfectionist mama who's tired of feeling overwhelmed and wants to embrace your sensitivity as a strength, I'd love to help. I specialise in working with highly sensitive mothers navigating the challenges of early parenthood. Book a free 20-minute call to see if we might be a good fit to work together: