When Fear Meets Love: Navigating the Complex Emotions of Postpartum After Loss

The other night, as I sat in my therapy room with a mum holding her rainbow baby, she shared something that stayed with me. "It's 3 AM", she said, "and I'm standing over that crib again. My hand is hovering over my baby's chest, just checking. Just making sure". The house was quiet except for their tiny breaths, and her heart was doing that thing again – that weird dance between pure love and raw fear.

I've sat with hundreds of mums who've walked this exact path, and let me tell you – that middle-of-the-night anxiety? Those moments when you can't stop checking? They make total sense. This isn't your typical postpartum experience, and honestly, it shouldn't be treated like one.

The Hidden Struggles That Standard Postpartum Support Misses

Let me share what I've learned from sitting with mamas just like you – real talk, no sugarcoating, but plenty of hope. Because this journey? It's messy and beautiful and hard and healing, all at once.

Your Body Isn't Broken – It's Remembering

Here's something wild I've noticed in my practice: our bodies keep score. That jumpiness when your baby sleeps a little longer than usual? The way your stomach drops when they're too quiet? That's not you being "paranoid" or "overly anxious". That's your body doing exactly what it learned to do.

Think of it like this: if you've ever burned your hand on a hot stove, you're going to be extra careful next time you cook, right? Your body's doing the same thing. It's trying to protect you and your baby the only way it knows how. The trick isn't to ignore these feelings – it's to gently, slowly teach your body that it's okay to relax its guard a little.

The Both/And of Rainbow Baby Life

Let's be real about something: when people say stuff like "at least you have a healthy baby now" or "just focus on being grateful," I want to scream a little. Because here's the truth I see in my therapy room every day – you can be absolutely, wildly in love with your rainbow baby AND still feel the ache of loss. You can be grateful AND terrified. You can be healing AND hurting.

The other day, a mum in my office said something that stuck with me: "It's like my heart grew another chamber – not to replace what was lost, but to hold something new alongside it". That's exactly it. You're not replacing, you're expanding. And yeah, it's complicated and messy, but it's also perfectly normal.

When Joy Crashes Into Grief (Because It Will)

Nobody warns you about the ambush moments, do they? Like when you're folding laundry and realize your rainbow baby just outgrew the size your first baby never reached. Or when you're at a checkup, and the doctor says everything's perfect, and you feel both relief and this weird, guilty ache because you had a different experience before.
These moments aren't signs you're doing something wrong. They're not betrayals of either baby. They're just part of your story – a story that holds more complexity and depth than most people understand.

Understanding Your Mind-Body Response: Why You Feel This Way

When you find yourself stuck in cycles of checking, worrying, and seeking reassurance, you're not being "overly anxious" – you're experiencing the natural intersection of your thoughts, feelings, and protective behaviours. Just like when my toddler was crying in the car and I knew pulling over wasn't practical but my body was screaming to comfort him – these responses make sense in the context of your experience.

The CBT Triangle: Your Roadmap to Understanding

Those 3 AM worry spirals don't come from nowhere. When your baby sleeps longer than usual, your mind whispers "check on them". Your heart races (physical response), you think "something might be wrong" (thought), and you find yourself standing over their crib again (behaviour). This cycle makes perfect sense – it's your brain's way of trying to keep your baby safe. But understanding this pattern is also your first step toward change.

Your Nervous System's Hidden Role

While other approaches might focus solely on changing your thoughts, I've seen how loss rewires your entire system. Those moments when you feel stuck between joy and hypervigilance? That's your nervous system trying to navigate safety after trauma. This isn't just anxiety – it's your body's profound wisdom trying to protect you and your baby.

The Beliefs That Keep You Stuck

Through years of working with mothers like you, I've seen how loss shapes our deepest beliefs about motherhood and safety:

• "I can't trust my body or my instincts"
• "Something will go wrong if I relax my guard"
• "I need to stay vigilant to keep this baby safe"
• "I don't deserve to enjoy this when my first baby didn't make it"

These aren't just random thoughts – they're the scaffolding your mind built to make sense of loss. But they don't have to be permanent.

Breaking Free: Beyond Basic Anxiety Management

Remember that car ride with my screaming toddler? Standard advice would have been "just stay calm" or "use distraction". But when you're in that moment, when your body and mind are both screaming that something needs to be done, simple solutions feel impossible. The same goes for your journey – this isn't about "just staying positive" or "focusing on the present". It's about something deeper.

Creating Sustainable Change

Through integrating CBT with nervous system regulation, we can help you:

• Understand your triggers without being controlled by them
• Build new, more helpful belief patterns about safety and motherhood
• Expand your capacity for feeling safe while loving your baby
• Honour your past while being present with your rainbow baby

When Grief Meets Joy: Navigating Your Complete Motherhood Story

You're rocking your rainbow baby to sleep, breathing in their sweet newborn scent, when suddenly it hits you – "my first baby should be walking now". That collision of joy and grief isn't something going wrong; it's you holding space for your complete motherhood journey. Through years of supporting mothers like you, I've seen how these moments can feel both sacred and overwhelming.

The Dance of Parallel Emotions

This isn't just about postpartum emotions - it's about navigating a unique journey where celebration and remembrance intertwine. When your rainbow baby reaches the age your first baby never did, when their "firsts" remind you of the "nevers" with your first baby, when joy and grief wash over you in the same moment - this is all part of your story. As a therapist specialising in loss and trauma, I've seen how understanding these parallel processes can transform how you experience them.

Milestones That Move Your Heart

Those moments that others might miss:

• When your rainbow baby reaches the age your first baby didn't
• During routine checkups that trigger memories
• At birthday celebrations that feel bittersweet
• During seasonal changes that mark time's passage
• When siblings reach ages that highlight absence

These aren't just triggers to manage - they're opportunities to honour both your babies while building a new relationship with motherhood itself.

Creating Space for Both Stories

Through my integrated CBT approach, I've discovered that trying to "move on" or "just focus on the present" often keeps you stuck. Instead, transformation happens when we:

Honour Through Action

Small ways to remember while moving forward:
• Creating meaningful rituals that feel right for your family
• Finding symbols that honour your first baby's presence
• Building traditions that acknowledge both journeys
• Making space for grief without letting it overwhelm joy

Rewriting Limiting Beliefs

Those thoughts that keep you stuck:

• "I shouldn't feel sad when I have a healthy baby now"
• "Thinking about my first baby means I'm not grateful enough"
• "I need to choose between remembering and moving forward"

Through CBT work enhanced with nervous system regulation, we can transform these beliefs into ones that better serve your healing journey.

Building Your Capacity for Both

This isn't just about managing emotions - it's about expanding your capacity to hold both grief and joy, memory and presence, past and future. By understanding how your nervous system responds to these complex emotions, we can help you:

• Feel safer in your motherhood journey
• Trust your instincts about honouring both babies
• Create meaningful ways to remember while fully loving your rainbow baby
• Navigate triggers with more resilience and self-compassion

Breaking the Cycle: Your Path to Transformation

As a CBT therapist specialising in pregnancy and postpartum after loss, I've seen how combining evidence-based cognitive techniques with nervous system understanding creates lasting change. This isn't just about managing anxiety - it's about transforming your entire experience of motherhood.

Beyond Basic Coping Strategies

You've likely tried:

• Breathing exercises that only help momentarily
• Mindfulness apps that don't address the deeper fears
• Distraction techniques that work until they don't
• Positive thinking that feels impossible to maintain

While these tools have their place, lasting change requires something more comprehensive. Through integrating CBT with nervous system regulation, we can help you move from surviving to truly experiencing motherhood.

Creating Sustainable Safety

Your path forward includes:

• Understanding your unique triggers and response patterns
• Building new, more helpful beliefs about safety and motherhood
• Expanding your nervous system's capacity for feeling secure
• Developing tools that work in real-life moments with your baby

Small Steps Toward Lasting Change

Through years of supporting mothers like you, I've developed an approach that honours both your need for practical tools and deeper healing:

Immediate Relief Strategies

• Evidence-based CBT techniques for managing anxious moments
• Nervous system regulation tools for when you feel overwhelmed
• Practical approaches for handling triggering situations
• Ways to communicate your needs to your support system

Long-Term Transformation

• Building a foundation of safety in your body
• Creating new neural pathways for trust and connection
• Developing a flexible response to uncertainty
• Integrating both babies into your motherhood story

Your Next Steps Forward

This journey isn't about "fixing" anything – because you're not broken. You're navigating one of the most complex emotional landscapes a person can experience, and you're doing it while taking care of a tiny human. That strength? It's real. Those middle-of-the-night fears? They make sense. That love you feel, complicated as it is? It's beautiful, all of it.

Remember:

Vulnerable and Powerful.
Past and Future.
Loss and Love.
All of it is your story.

As a therapist specialising in pregnancy and postpartum after loss, I understand the unique challenges you're facing. If you're ready to move beyond just coping and create lasting change, let's work together to transform your experience of motherhood – honouring all parts of your journey.

Bio:
Aleksandra Balazy-Knas is a CBT therapist specialising in perinatal mental health including pregnancy and postpartum after loss. Through combining evidence-based cognitive techniques with nervous system regulation, she helps mothers transform from constant hypervigilance to actually enjoying their motherhood journey. Visit www.unscrewingmotherhood.co.uk to learn more about working with her and join her newsletter on https://unscrewing.substack.com/