Is the word 'grief' appropriate when talking about the feelings surrounding not being able to breastfeed your baby?

For some women, grief is absolutely what they are experiencing. However, you might not feel like you are allowed to grieve this loss because the people around you are confused by the depth of your feelings around not being able to breastfeed your baby.

"But you have a healthy baby!"

"Just give them formula. What's the problem? It's not a big deal."

There are all sorts of reasons why you might have stopped or might not have been able to breastfeed and the validity of these reasons can mean that others assume that it's simple. You had to stop and you did; that's all there is to it.

However, this lack of understanding of the complexity of your feelings can mean that it's something that you have to deal with alone and keep to yourself.

In the counselling world, we call this type of grieving that you feel you need to do in secret 'disenfranchised grief'.

If you're struggling with this kind of grief you might:

• feel really alone and isolated in your experience
• feel depressed or numb
• avoid people or places that feel triggering
• feel jealous of others whose breastfeeding journeys worked out
• feel unable to talk about your experience for fear of being judged or misunderstood

Avoidance makes a lot of sense when we're grieving not being able to breastfeed. Women with breastfeeding grief often talk about the shame they feel as they get out a bottle to feed their baby at a playgroup or in a café with a group of mum friends. Do the other women think I just didn't try hard enough? Do they think I don't know about the benefits of breastfeeding or that I didn't do any research?

It can just feel easier to avoid these situations and all the thoughts and feelings that can be triggered by being in them.

Feeling heard

A space to feel seen and heard in your experience with all its complexity can be hugely helpful if you're dealing with disenfranchised grief. Counselling can be particularly useful because what people really need is often a non-judgmental space to claim their experience and feelings and this might not be possible with family and friends.

If the experience of grieving the end of you breastfeeding journey resonates with you, I really recommend the book Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matter by Professor Amy Brown. She also has a great website with lots of helpful resources on this topic: https://professoramybrown.co.uk/breastfeeding-grief

If you would like some 1:1 support, do get in touch. I offer face-to-face counselling in Formby (easily accessible from Crosby, Ainsdale, Birkdale) and also offer counselling sessions online. Send me an enquiry through my website or an email to get started: info@formbypostnatalcounselling.com

Breastfeeding grief is real and you deserve to be supported.