As a recovering perfectionist, I have a lot of love for my fellow perfectionist mums. I'm going to talk about how perfectionism can fuel anxiety in the postnatal period (and beyond!).
Picture the scene:
You are someone who has always worked really hard and got results. Something goes wrong at work? You'll put in the hours and sort it out.
Your boss asks you to do something and you have no idea how to do it? You'll read the book or find the manual or make sure that you find someone who can explain it to you.
Life has taught you that problems can be sorted and you will come out on top if you're determined enough and willing to put in the work. The key thing to realise is that this way of being has probably served you really well up until this point!
Before your baby arrived, you might have done several courses and had a precarious pile of books stacked on your bedside table. You were going to be PREPARED for this next stage of life.
When the equation no longer works
When your baby arrived, you might have approached the steep learning curve of motherhood in the same way; hard work goes in, desired outcome comes out.
Except your baby doesn't seem to be playing ball...
Maybe breastfeeding just isn't working no matter how hard you try. Maybe your baby won't sleep for longer than 45mins at a time (and only on you) no matter what you do. Maybe you feel a huge pressure to do all the things (baby classes, making mum friends, researching weaning...) to be the best mum you can be but you never feel like you're doing enough or getting it right.
The vicious cycle perfectionism can lead us into
Step one: We identify something that we're struggling with or that isn't as it's 'supposed' to be
Step two: We do what we usually do; we research and read everything we can get our hands on. The problem is that there is SO much information available to us now and a lot of the advice about the postnatal period can be contradictory depending on what you read. Cue anxiety because we don't know what the 'right' thing is to read/ do.
Step three: We try to implement what we've read and control all the variables we possibly can to 'get it right'. We are determined AF. We will persevere until it works!
Step four: Something goes wrong or the result isn't what we were hoping for.
Step five: We feel like a failure. That mean little voice in our heads can get really loud here; you didn't try hard enough! Why didn't you get it right? Must try harder.
This is also where anxious thoughts come in such as 'If I don't get this right, what's going to happen to my baby?' and 'If I don't get this right, I'm a bad mum or people will think I'm a bad mum'.
Back to step two where we fall back on our old tried and tested pattern; I'll get it right this time if I just try harder.
And around and around we go. This lack of control over the outcome we want can leave us feeling really, really anxious and overwhelmed. It can also really affect our self-esteem if being a high achiever is tied up with our identity.
How to break the cycle
Self-compassion and acceptance.
This sounds simple but it can be really bloody difficult. People with perfectionist tendencies sometimes develop them in response to low self-esteem; I get positive feedback (love) when I get things right or do well where I might not be getting a lot of positive feedback for anything else. Their positive sense of self can become bound up with working hard and getting things right.
As a result, if you're struggling to 'get it right' as a new mum, your positive sense of self might feel really wobbly because it is based on a condition; the ability to achieve.
We need to work on giving ourselves the unconditional love that we might not have had as children. You get something wrong? Don't worry, darling, I still love you.
You had your heart set on breastfeeding but it's just not working out no matter how hard you try? I'm so sorry, my love. I see how hard you worked and how sad you are that it's just not working. I still love you and you're still a good mum.
Is this how you talk to yourself when things don't go to plan? If not, changing this voice in our heads and reparenting ourselves can make a MASSIVE difference to our mental health and anxiety levels.
If you'd like some help with this, get in touch. I have availability for 1:1 counselling face-to-face in Formby and online. Send me an email to find out more: info@formbypostnatalcounselling.com
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